Well, the bad news is that if any of these dork “contestants” are looking for something to do with their lives after being dumped by Frowny-Face, none have stand-up comedy as an option. Their constant puns and lame attempts at humor are so cringe-worthy, I feel like they should all have a rim-shot sound effect.
And the good news? Who said there was any good news? There isn’t. Well, this show will over in just a few weeks, so I guess that is pretty good news. Let us take a romantic stroll through this week’s episode . . .
Frowny-Face, the remaining guys, and Sugardaddy Harrison find themselves in Brussels, Belgium this week, which is also the week before the hometown dates. The comments about Brussels range from:
Chris: Brussels is beautiful.
Dylan: Wow. Crazy, dude.
Brian: Dude. Duuude . . .
Chris Harrison has a sit-down with the boys in Testosterone Hotel, to discuss the seriousness this next week presents. He tells them all how important these dates are, because next week, Andi will meet their families. As he speaks, all the men are seated on couches surrounding him, and 90% of them are wearing the most ridiculously large SCARVES I have ever seen in my life. What is with the scarves this week? They are all being attacked by their own scarf, and you can’t even see their neck or face. Nick V. goes and pouts in the corner once again, telling the camera, “these guys are wasting their time. I 100% feel Andi and I will end up together.” Josh M. also pouts that he is “ready to spent my time” with Andi. Why do these two dudes get the initial on the end of their name? The show is more than half over, we know who they are. Enough with the initial already.
FROWNY-FACE AND SNOOZE-FEST MARCUS:
Holy crap, this guy is boring. I can’t take him. He talks with the excitement of plywood. Also, his job is a “Sports Medicine Manager.” What the F is that? That isn’t real. Don’t any of these people have actual real-sounding jobs? Anyhoo, this bore gets the first one-on-one, and they sit outside and eat mussels . . . in Brussels. They both point this out like it’s the funniest thing in the world. Yes, the words rhyme. Doesn’t make it funny. As they eat mussels and drink beer, he talks about how he writes about Frowny in his diary. He then says again to Frowny in his dull, monotone voice, “I’m in love with you.” Her response:”Awww. Good. I’m glad you stayed.” The word “good” is becoming her second favorite word, next to “STOPPPP IT!!!” After they eat mussels, they walk around some, and then split some ice-cream. Frowny makes this gem of a comment: “I’m so glad you’re a good eater.” Yeah, cuz that is the mark of a great man. A good eater? What is he, 5??? “Now eat all your veggies, Marcus, and you can have dessert!”
After walking around and eating, Andi tells Marcus “I hope you’re still hungry because believe it or not, we are having dinner now!” Ha! Oh, what a card she is. So hilarious! They have dinner at Academy Palace, at which time Snooze-fest decides to go into the most depressing story of all-time about how his daddy left him as a child, and how his mom was not the best mother, and how they were dysfunctional and sad. While he was talking, she LITERALLY had an exaggerated frown the entire time; she looked like a damn cartoon. Like a sad-face emoticon. How is that her real face??? Then she tells the camera, “THIS is a man! This is a real man!” Is it? Yuck.
FROWNY AND JOSH WITH AN INITIAL:
Josh M. gets the second one-on-one and they go around exploring the town of Ghent, which they both find hilarious to say over and over again. Josh isn’t exactly the brightest crayon in the box, as he proves when they go inside of a chocolate shop – in Belgium – and he says with all seriousness: “Oh is this belgian chocolates? ” Gee, YA THINK??? Then they witness a goose parade, and she tells the camera about 7 times in a 5 minute period,that she “needs for Josh to open up tonight like some of the other guys. I need to know how HE is feeling. I need him to open up and be vulnerable and tell me how he feels about me. I need him to open up. What I need is for him to open up and tell me . . .” ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!!!!! WE GET IT!!!!!!! Later, at dinner, he finally DOES open up and tells her,”I am falling in love with you.” Then they make out for a long time outside against some sort of wall. And then, guess what? Yet another private concert. Frowny says, “Here we are dancing to a band named ‘American Young’” – yes – dancing to a band whom you have to tell us what they are called because nobody, including YOU, knows – is amazing. Then she keeps saying, “I will always have today.” All dramatic. What the hell does that mean? Are you dying?
GROUP DATE:
So the group date is with Chris, Nick, Brian, and Dylan, whose hair is all nasty and wetted down and he looks sweaty and like he hasn’t showered. Or washed his hands. The gang rides a railbike together, which is a large bike where Andi sits in the middle doing nothing and the 4 men peddle, two in front, two in back. They are all breathing really hard and it is apparently very exhausting, so they decide to play the “rhyme” game to pass the time, which is the dumbest game I have ever heard a group of douchebags play in my entire life. Someone says a word, then someone else says a word that rhymes with that word, and so on. Apparently this is supposed to be fun. If you’re 7.
They finally arrive at The Abbey/Monestary, where the Monks live and where you aren’t allowed to kiss. What better place to go on a group date with a bunch of horny dudes fighting over one horny chick? Makes sense. Each of the men takes some private time with Frowny, starting with she and Chris going into some random barn and making pottery together. As their hands mesh together over the pottery wheel and things get messy, I think we all started singing the song “Unchained Melody” from “Ghost” in our heads . . . Except this scene wasn’t nearly as hot or sexy. It was kind of lame. Dylan uses his time with Andi to sit on a bench together and talk about nothing. Brian tells her he, too, is falling in love with her. She says: “Yeah,” and kind of half-smiles but there is no kiss or anything. Dude, you’re goin’ home.
Nick tells the camera that the other guys “don’t matter” and that Andi is going to take him home to hometown week. During his time with Andi, he gets all pompous and says: “I don’t wanna put words in your mouth, but I’ve never had someone fall so fast … ” Ewwww. He is basically INFORMING HER that she has fallen for him. And she seems to eat that crap up from him. Only one person gets a rose on the group date, and the others have to leave the date early and go back to hotel. Guess who gets it? NICK! He tells the camera that his confidence is now at its peak, and the others go home to pout collectively about their mutual hatred of Nick. On the car ride home, they curse as they all sit way too close to each other in the back seat.
The second half of the date with just Nick and Andi consists of dinner and lots of kissing. They also play another fun game called “this or that,” where Nick asks Andi such riveting questions as “pancakes or waffles?” and she has to choose one. She thinks this is the best game ever invented, and squeals “This is FUN!!!!” Yeah. Sounds like a blast. At the end, they kiss underneath a firework display, and puns are made to the camera about the “sparks” flying high between them. Ugh. Is this over yet?
BACK AT THE HOTEL . . .
The men all sit around discussing and analyzing Nick and his intentions, and Marcus says, “if he is one of the final two, I guarantee he will walk.” They all think he isn’t there for the “right reasons” and they confront him about it after an extended period of awkward silence, followed by Josh coughing awkwardly.
Nick tells them they are making things up, and Brian freaks out and gets an angry vein in his face while telling Nick that he talks about “strategy” too much. Nick says “give me an example,” and Brian says “No!” Wow. Great comeback there, Brian. Very mature. They all continue having this pointless discussion analyzing how Nick analyzes everything and then they are interrupted by Harrison, who comes in and says, “Boys? Shall we?” They all get up and leave for the cocktail party.
ALMOST AT THE END . . .
We arrive at the cocktail party, and Chris tells Frowny he is also falling in love with her. “Yeah,” she says as she smiles. Enter Nick once again, stealing her away. The men get all pissy because Nick already has a rose, but Nick just HAD to talk to her one more time. He tells camera he is excited for her to meet his family, and he gets a bit emotional on camera. Meanwhile, right before the end of the night, Chris pulls her aside and walks her to some out of the way area, where she is convinced for some reason that he is going to tell her he is going home. Instead, he says “I just had to tell you this,” and then kisses her. She loves this move, apparently, since she says into camera, “Yeah! You GO, farmer!” Remember now, as we learned in previous episodes, Andi enjoys being “taken.” And yes, that image still makes me want to puke.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Going home this week are Dylan and Brian. Told ya so.
As she lets them go, she starts crying and puts her hand over her face to block the crying sounds, but all you can hear is her snorting up mucus and doing the ugly-cry. It is pretty unattractive. Dylan cries too, as he talks to camera outside. “I thought she was the one,” and all that jazz.
Next up is Brian, who is more pissed than sad. “I poured my heart out. If she doesn’t get the guy she deserves, I will be furious.” Then he hears all the men and Andi laughing inside, and he gets even more upset. “Great. That’s what I wanna hear. People laughing.”
The last scene during credits is a deleted scene of Dylan chasing Brian around the hotel room with a pickle. No, not his stinky Dylan-penis. An actual pickle. Apparently, Brian is afraid of pickles, so Dylan chases him with one. Oh, you wacky, wacky boys.
Tune in next week when Chris Harrison has a nervous breakdown and questions the purpose of his life.
Season 10, Episodes 7: “Episode 1007″ (originally aired June 30, 2014).
The Bachelorette airs Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET.
Image courtesy of ABC/Geert Vanden Wijngaert.
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